"Nice Game Pretty Boy!"

Monday, April 24, 2006


Tonight, the New Jersey Devils defeated the New York Rangers in Game 2 of their NHL Stanley Cup playoff series, giving the Devils a 2-0 series edge. On Saturday, the Devils whipped up on the Blueshirts 6-1 and completely dominated in every phase of the game, save for a couple of nice hits by the Rangers late in the game. The foregoing recap notwithstanding, this post is less about hockey and more about my theory about the current stewardship of the Knicks and Rangers by Cablesvision. You see, my theory is that Charles and Jim Dolan have hatched a nefarious scheme inspired byThe Producers, the movie, cum Broadway phenomenon cum movie again (to be released this year). In the movie/show, producers Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom discover that they could make more money by producing a Broadway show that fails than with one that succeeds and sells tickets. Their idea is to sell shares in the show to a large number of investors, selling more shares than there could possibly be in the show (i.e, they find 50 people and sell each of them 50% of the show). When the show tanks, the unwitting investors assume their money is lost and never come looking for any returns, thus allowing Bialystock and Bloom to keep all their money. Their plan ultimately fails becuase the two are so happless that the can't-miss failure they choose to produce actually succeds, and their scam is found out. I believe that like Bialystock and Bloom, Charlie and Jim Dolan have deduced that they could make more money with teams that are perpetually mediocre than they can by going through the trouble of assembling a team that can actually win a championship. Their plan is to continue to acquire players with big names and bigger contracts to play for the Knicks and Rangers in the hopes that the marquis names will draw fans to the Garden and the marginal talent will be good enough for the teams to make the playoffs each year. The teams therefore can continue to sell tickets and enjoy playoff revenue each year, without going through the losses and pains necessary to rebuild a team from the ground up in order to win a championship. Although I have done no empirical analysis of this, I believe the Dolans have figured that the revenues generated by a team that is in the playoffs each year, even for only a round or two will far exceed the revenues generated by a championship team that first must suffer an extended period of failure before enjoying success. Of course, like Bialystock and Bloom, the Dolans' plan appears to also be doomed to failure, because the two are so happless, that the high-priced talent they have encouraged their GMs to bring to the City (specifically, the Knicks have acquired Glen Rice, Antonio McDyess, Stephon Marbury, Jalen Rose and, most recently, Steve Francis; the Rangers have added Pavel Bure, Theoren Fleury, Eric Lindros, Bobby Holik, and, of course, Jaromir Jagr) has actually performed so poorly that the Knicks and Rangers have not even been good enough to satisfy the plan's requirement that the teams make the playoffs. Undeterred, the Dolans have continued on this course, and under their ownership, the Garden has suffered a paucity of success unprecedented in the history of the two proud franchises that reside there. The Knicks have not enjoyed a winning season since 2001 and lost 59 games this past season, the 2nd-most in team history. The Rangers have performed even worse during that span, having failed to make the playoffs each year since 1998, and reaching 80 total points on the season only once in that span (an uninspired 36-38-4-4 campaign in 2001-02). As a fan, I am so outraged that I have taken to actually rooting hard against the Knicks each time they play. I'm not talkng about that fake rooting that you do when your brain knows the team is better off losing (eg., for better draft picks or playoff positioning), but in your heart you just can't do it. I am talking about a deep-seeded hatred for my team and a real pleasure in learning they have lost. Thank you Cablevision for helping me break new ground in my fandom. Now, in 2006, the Rangers are in the playoffs for the first time in 7 seasons, despite a last-ditch effort by the team to play their way out, and Team Dolan is claiming vindication. Well, color me unimpressed. The team finished the regular season as a dead-team walking (losers of 5 straight), and it's only a matter of 2 games before the Devils send them to their final resting place. This is most appropriate, as while Cablevision has done everything it could to run the MSG franchises into the ground, the Devils ownership has built a semi-dynasty, bringing 3 Stanley Cups to the Meadowlands since Cablevision has come to power across the river (and, while we're at it, the Nets have been as successful as any team in the NBA's Eastern Conference outside of Detroit). Here's hoping the lesson tought by David Puddy's Favorite Team is a painful one for Cablevision. Let's go Devils!!


  • Now THAT, my friends, is a grade-A RANT. I love it. My one question is this - if the Knicks are Springtime for Hitler and the Dolans are Bialystock and Bloom, who are the other members of the cast? I'd have to say that the insane playwright is Isiah, the flamingly gay director is Larry Brown, and the hippie freak who played Hitler has to be Stephon Marbury.

    By Blogger Toasty Joe, at 9:32 AM  

  • Would that make Stephon Marbury be Ula, the Swedish bombshell secretary?

    By Blogger BookieD, at 1:28 PM  

  • Nah, I want Steph as Hitler. Let's cast Eddy Curry as Ula, since he plays like a woman and he has a big butt.

    By Blogger Toasty Joe, at 1:33 PM  

  • I actually meant Steve Francis, not Steph, but Curry works also. Ula was a big gal.

    By Blogger BookieD, at 2:00 PM  

  • I want more frequent posts dammit!

    By Blogger Count Choculitis, at 3:22 PM  

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